God's Silence 1.0

First a little background. While I realize

I am have been a privileged citizen, I

have also seen very unstable times and I

learned how very little material things

mean to me. 

So when we as Christians are challenged to

love "the Giver of the gifts, not the gifts of

the Giver," I take pride in my simple lifestyle

and it's easy for me to think I've got that beat.

Even when Luisa told me God challenged her

with that idea, "Do you really love me for all

these things I give you, Luisa?" I only thought

for a second.

While I don't claim to be perfectly immune to

material desires, I realized the gifts that I do

rely on and even take for granted are feelings,

inspirations, signs that I am connected to God.

The perfect book for where I am, or helping me

to find where I am, literally landed on our coffee

table this weekend. I put off picking it up until

this morning. And then I couldn't put it down.

The author is a Franciscan priest. There is a 

paragraph underlined on a bookmarked page

and I as read it, this idea was reborn to me in

a whole new light.

"Mature faith cannot grow when we are surfeited

with all kinds of spiritual comforts and consolations."

He goes on to talk about a second conversion,

after the first conversion to Christianity.

"The second conversion [the dark night of the soul]

has to do with learning to cope and flourish when

the warm feelings, consolations, and props that

accompany the first conversion are withdrawn.

Does faith evaporate when the initial feelings dissolve? In

psychological terms, the ego has to break; and this

breaking is like entering into a great darkness.

Without such a struggle and affliction, there can be

no movement in love."

Luisa was probably the first person to

encourage me and say God's silence can

be for a reason; other than  punishment.

And while I don't think Jesus usually makes

himself hard-to-reach at all, God's silence

forces me to remain in Him. He is the vine.

God's silence keeps me pursuing Him, in a

way I've never known before.

I think the gifts I treasured, above the Giver,

were spiritual comforts. I thanked God today

for instituting the Spirit in me. The Spirit

is what helps me see everyday when I'm not

pursuing God, when I'm not close to Him.

The Spirit in me knows the worst thing to do

at this point is give up.

I'm starting to finally see where I am,

where I have been for 10 months.

And for the first time in 10 months I

don't hate it.

God's Silence 0.0

Neglect.

Abandonment.

Punishment.

A clear sign I've done something wrong.

Off God's path.

Out of His plan.

Forgotten.

This is what I used to think about 

God's silence.

Try really hard to "feel" Him.

Try really hard to prove myself.

Try really hard not to give up.

Try really hard to fight the enemy,

without the Almighty God.

Try really hard to think.

Try really hard to orient myself.

Try really hard to "just be," and stop trying.

That is what I used to do 

in God's silence.

The Lord Will Fulfill

"The Lord will fulfill

His purposed for me;

your love, O Lord, endures forever-

do not abandon the works of your hands."

Psalm 138

I pray all the time

that my life could be a vessel.

God has invited us in to His mission,

we are His plan.

And today I discovered

(though I may have once known this)

that not only does the Lord set

my path & purposes,

but He sees to it that they pass.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' 

declares the Lord,"

Jeremiah

The Lord makes my plans

and also makes them happen.

I need to do my part and show

Him that's what I wish.

I want what God wants.

And again, thank God for community.

Yesterday I felt like He had really settled down

on one of the couches at our meeting, just to

be with us.

Homecoming

Twelve hours of travel brought me back to this country.

Three more days brought be to my family.

One day after that, and I was in my hometown.

All the while searching.

Where is my solid ground? Where is that hope I had?

Who knows for how long I've been searching,

but finally, it's a homecoming.

After the trial, two minutes into the morning,

He rose.

We were tired and crying and when it was over

we saw the time and knew He was alive.

Resurrection. 

One day later;

I saw His face welcome me back, in the smile of my friend.

I heard His voice, in conversation over the dinner table.

I know I'm far from there, but He lives in me,

and I am here.

Some Scraps in My Mind

... and now my life is a memory. The place which was once, for so long, an idea, has become home.

You all look different here, everything smells different, but it does feel nice.