Maundy

From the Latin novum mandatum: the new commandment.

On the night he was betrayed, Jesus said,

"A new command I give you:

Love one another.

As I have loved you,

so you must love one another."

John 13:34

My heart is so romanced by the sky and the sun! In these last two weeks, the earth has looked to me like a true, environmental expression of the spiritual state of our faith.

The light is overwhelming, and so is friendship. We've been grave and the light now approaches! It's so divinely beautiful. As the Son rises, the sun over the city does also. The bright light makes me feel light weight.

"But for you who revere my name,

the sun of righteousness will rise

with healing on its wings."

Malachi 4:2

Something like home

We're back, home safe.

But we were at home in Iowa, too. Isn't it lovely to realize that somewhere I hardly thought of two years ago can now feel so homey? It probably has a lot to do with the people there, those wonderful people. And the full pantry, too. And plenty of time to bake and breathe. The photo above is my signature/Jake's favorite bread cake, banana applesauce bread. I pulled it out of the oven and just knew it belonged out near the rustic family backyard.

I was raised in California,
salty ocean air and mountains embrace me.
Then we moved to Michigan
where I grew into the woman I am.
I definitely felt at home in Cuernavaca, Mexico,
my bones are Latin.
And I'm approaching my fourth anniversary
in this city where we land.

So I have plenty of homes. It is
wonderful and tiresome. I am
comfortable in many places. But
where should our feet plant next?
Olivia and I have a
three-years-to-Montana plan,
but more time away from family
sounds painful right now. Ask me
in a few days, I suppose. Because
the thing is, with so many homes,
we're bound to be away from one
or most of them at all times.

Fake I.D.

I've noticed something about the way we all talk.

"I'm a journalism major."
"I'm white."
"I'm a vegetarian."

"I am ..."

The list could go on. Millions of quick self-descriptions exist.

We make more every day.
Maybe I'm being ridiculous and these are actually good ways to describe yourself. They get to the point -- I can admit that. Evolutionarily speaking, they also help us make quick judgments and to categorize.

It just gets under my skin and I can't be sorry about it.

Wouldn't it be nice to hear, 'I'd rather not eat meat,' or 'I am studying journalism,' as opposed to labeling myself as a certain student and by what I eat? I wish peoples' language didn't reveal how desperately everyone is seeking an identity.

But if the language reflects truth, maybe there's something else to get at.

this song feels like my love today.

what a time we've had, best friend. and i do hope for so much more.

you cover me.

you surprised me with dinner, a song, and yourself one night this week. you write me love letters and meet me outside my office whenever possible for five minutes of necessary skips and hand-holding when the sun is out.

your quick winks make me weak.

and now we get to escape the city together for nine days. we're going to melt away into the big sky, and knead our bodies into the fields. i would never want to disappear with anyone else in the world.

my blood rushes when you dream out loud. you believe in us.

we can do anything together. i believe in you.

art school

This is what I wrote in my journal shortly after I officially accepted the ministry position with IV. It's a natural thought, especially in our country and culture I think. I've spent three years and an unsavory amount of money on a fancy degree in science journalism with a minor in Latino studies. Do I feel like I am throwing all of that away by pursuing a job in a completely different field? Heck no!

Truthfully, I'd been mulling over this thought for a while, even before I was certain about my call to a year in ministry. Three years is a rather short amount of time to cram in a four-year degree and while I've managed the workload, it's been just that--a load. Working at a newspaper on top of studying journalism has also been amazing, I honestly love my job, but I've just been so entrenched in this world, this industry, that for a long time now I've known that I wanted to take a step back from it all when I graduate. I didn't even know what I wanted to do. Continue as a nanny? Go back to being a barista? Become a professional house wife and get paid to bake and clean and read?

I'm sure I'm not the first person in the world to reminisce about their time in college as they approach graduation. And I am just astounded at what I see when I make this list of all the things God brought to me during my time in school. I had no clue that following my little curiosity about this small school in a big city would produce any of these things!

The other thing I'm (still) learning about in art school is what exactly makes me "artsy." I have not honed any great skill in the fine arts, but I am confident in my creativity. I am enchanted at the thought of making things that didn't exist before. I believe humans were made in the image of a Divine Creator, so the joy of creating is in my genes.

Oh! and how about that sun?

Wednesday was marvelous!
The warmish, humid wind
gave my arms goosebumps
with excitement, chill and
nostalgia. We went to our
bridge. We sat on the edge
and dreamed about the
future. Places, people, what
we saw in five or ten years.

This spring is different
because this summer won't
be a betweener, a bridge
of semesters. It'll be life.
The alleged real world.

The Answer

I have come here today to attempt the impossible; to cover a weeks-worth of prayer and inner dialogue.

A friend on Saturday told me what a wise woman once told her: "Your twenties are all about learning how to hear God's voice."

Oh man, how I couldn't agree more.

While I've definitely had moments of connecting to God and seeing the message He was sending across to me, honestly those moments are few. And I can't experience them on demand. (What, you mean God doesn't work on my time? I can't force answers out of him?)

That said, my experience has been varied in the last half-year pursuit of asking God whether or not He wants me to be in ministry--specifically with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.

Jake and I started toying with the idea, praying, thinking and asking questions of the people around us.

With God's assured peace, we took small steps.

One tiny step at a time. We asked more questions, looked at the application (15 pages!) and imagined our life in ministry.

While praying with us, a friend of ours offered an image. He said that he imagined us rebuilding a wall, holding our arms together at the elbow, with arms wrapped in a white band.

I had no idea what that meant.

Fast-forward to a few days later. On my way to a casual coffee meeting with the IV Chicago supervisor, I grabbed the day's RedEye newspaper and ran up the stairs to catch my train.

I tried to meditate and think on God during my train ride to the coffee meeting, so I didn't read the paper.

I left the meeting feeling great about just taking that small step of investigation. Maybe that's all God wanted from me, maybe I wasn't being called to actually apply.

I got on the train and opened to the first page in the RedEye.

I gasped at the picture, maybe you'll know what I mean:

Can you see their arms?

Big signs don't really happen for me.

But how else was I supposed to interpret this? I ripped the picture out, showed it to Jake and we took the next small step. We filled out the application.

Interviews, interviews, waiting, praying, updating people.

The next few weeks were rather mundane.

But they were easy because I was just following God in

tiny steps, everything was up to Him. He was doing all the work.

"I just want to be where YOU want me to be," was my daily cry.

I didn't hear any big, booming voices, but God's Peace was loud to me. I prayed that God stop everything if we weren't supposed to work for IV.

Then I got the job.

!

It was my turn to

accept it, I had to

say yes.

Terrifying.

How can I say yes

or no, when I can't

hear God's word?

Hence the week of

prayer.

Now I'll be the first to admit, the biggest (if only) reason I was afraid to accept the job is the fundraising aspect. "We don't know any rich people," I kept thinking.

For this reason, I intentionally committed to not thinking about money during my week of discernment.

It went smoothly until Saturday morning when I began reading the Bible verses dedicated to this week of Lent.

The subject was "Possessed by Posessions."

It shared awesome stories of how God challenged His people to trust his provision and to live humbly, free of material desire. In turn, God provided immensely for them.

Big signs don't really happen for me ... but I do of course believe God is capable of them, and they happen for plenty of other people.

Oh me of little faith.

Eventually I admitted to myself that I wanted the job.

Sometimes I am tricked into thinking that if I like something, it must obviously not be God's will.

Sometimes I assume--because God calls us to a challenging life--that He only wants difficult things for us.

That is a perverse way to think ... our God is a good and awesome parent.

Eventually I realized that things could still stop at any point. All of our lives are at the mercy of His will. If I say yes to this job I will not be forcing my own ways. If I say yes to this job, it's only a one year commitment to further explore. To me, saying yes is stepping it up and showing God that I am willing to try.

"Here am I, Lord. Send me," Isaiah said.

This Tuesday, one week after I was offered the job, an old favorite song came on Pandora.

"And I have found the answer is to love you and be loved by you, YOU ARE."

Maybe there is no clear-cut answer to God's opportunities. Maybe we are simply called to love and be loved. If so, then let the love fall where it may.

FITB Friday

I am starting to love this tradition Lauren started! And I am happy that this will be my last post for a week. I was offered a certain ministry position and I am going to take a media fast while I discern whether or not to accept the job. Pray for me, if you have it in your hearts. I want to follow God and I can only do so when I hear his voice. Also if you are doing any sort of liturgical observation of the Lenten season, join me in prayer for the prejudices and favoritism in our hearts.

Speak and act as those who are going to be judged
by the law that gives freedom,
because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone
who has not been merciful.
Mercy triumphs over judgment!
James 2:12,13

1. One thing I MUST do before I die is be a mom, like Lauren said. I agree that it's probably the most mysterious, challenging and amazing thing a person can devote their life to .

2. I would rather be outside than inside any day.

3. If I could give my younger self one piece of advice it would be: Be true to who you are, give your emotions the attention they are worth and let the chips fall where they may. Things are wonderful here in the future, you don't want anything to go any differently .

4. If I won the lottery tomorrow I'd pay my student loans and buy a house in the best/our current part of Chicago. (Preferably a crafstman home on the lake) .

5. The best surprise ever was last week when Jake swept the floor for me. I'm not hard to please .

6. My biggest fault is letting anxiety get the best of me .

7. My biggest strength is my ability to "peace out" when I am anxious and stressed. It was important to me that I develop this and though I still fall short very often--as stated in number 6--I have harvested a discipline of peace in my heart so rich that I can switch my mind to this state in the midst of almost any situation. My next goal is to help others find peace, too .

In the grand scheme of things,

being 2 hours behind on the schedule you set for yourself is really not that big of a deal.

and hearing a park full of happy screams from kids' running, playing mouths in the moment your el train car opens its doors to the outer world and under the yellow, wonderful sun is a pretty big deal.

but falling up the escalators and receiving a tiny whole in your shin for it isn't.

and having tea with your new but so dear friend really is.

so is radiohead.

and seeing the woman from a previous altercation at the library again is just plain funny.

Just Visiting

I have always been a child of nostalgia.

I went back to see what I was thinking

about on Xanga this time last year and

I found something else from so long ago

look:

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

"It has become apparent to me that you can chase any road in life that you like, and you'll learn a million things but still not find the answers that you are looking for- just hopefully you'll realize that there is very little you can do to prevent everything from working itself to be the way things are supposed to be." - My Journal- 10.22.05 [When I feel overcome by outside opinions and lost from myself, I turn to the voice that I've known so well in the past. This one helped me a lot today.]

How incredible. I have always valued my own thoughts from the past. And that hasn't changed much. I feel like 17 was last week. It was my favorite age. I met my best friend Brian in a musical. Here's a picture of Edith and me prepping for that show:

That was the second year Dad and I spring breaked in San Francisco, the only year Lauren joined us:

When I wore things like this:

It was also the year that the rain at the art festival ruined my painting and my favorite dress. The year prior, Olivia and I had danced in the rain. But this year we ran for shelter and heavy rain drops bounced off my water color painting and onto my favorite blue dress. Then we saw some friends and, according to my old writing, we moon danced with these fellows. This picture is so sweet, we're standing in "our" parking lot downtown, which is sadly now a salon:

That was the year I saw Sigur Ros! It was a life-changing experience. This is what I wrote the weekend I saw them play: Weekend's Conclusion: I believe the only place perfection exists is between two things. Nothing is perfect in itself, it is perfect for something else.

oh, wait.

I am sorry, did I say groceries were the only thing over which this marriage is troubled?

We also disagree on how to fold socks.

About groceries

I.

Jake and I have quite a few challenges when
it comes to how we grocery shop each week.
Things that pertain to storage space, time to

prepare food, specific nutrition needs and a

couple of years' time each living on our own
that developed deep-rooted preferences.

For instance, I love to bake and I sometimes

like to cook, but when I'm hungry ... I'm hungry.

Unless I cook ahead of time, I eat mostly fruit,

handfuls of nuts, handfuls of cereal and carrots.

(Sometimes a hunk of cheese dipped in honey.)

Jake is much more of a meal person. He'd

rather we eat more cooked food, like omelets,

pasta, soup and spinach salad. And I'd like to

make more meals, I would, it's just a matter

of time ... and being "so hungry that I have

to eat something easy right this instant!"

So when we leave the store, we view our purchases

--our ingredients for the week--

very different from one another.

Bananas for example, I see with peanut butter
as a meal and Jake sees as a snack. I make a
case for tortilla chips ever time we shop together
because I think those are snacks, and Jake thinks
they are simply unnecessary.

Usually it's just me shopping, though. And I've

learned how to take both of our ideas of what

groceries should look like and make a fine list.

Jake always thanks me and comments on my

planning and ingenuity.

But here's another thing, I take it upon myself

to carry the world on my shoulders.

Sometimes I don't buy what Jake would prefer

and sometimes he doesn't buy my argument for

tortilla chips or granola bars.

And then I feel horrible.

Really, rather dramatic for groceries, no?

But I do. I feel horrible.

When I'm afraid I've let Jake down, I also

let myself down and I feel failure.

Groceries are the perfect storm in this

marriage.

But I'm writing about them because it's

true what they say, life's biggest challenges

produce the most rewarding fruit.

The fact that we get a new chance to

try all over again each week is beautiful.

We're nearing 4 months of marriage and

I laugh whenever I realize this truth: buying

groceries has been the biggest the most

communication-inducing element of our

relationship.

I count my blessings that this benign part

of life is our most difficult trial.

I count my blessing when I think of how it's

helped us grow.

I count my blessings in the shape of a warm,

loving husband who works on things with me.

And you know what else they say,

couples who can figure out how to

grocery shop together stay together.

II.

While traveling home from the grocery store

the other day, I pathetically hobbled, weighed

down by my messenger bag of books and my

reusable bag full of groceries. I struggled

immensely to support my grocery bag from

the bottom and balance my messenger bag while

it persistently knocked the back of my knees. I

have done this before so I know a little about

manipulating bag positions ... it's an art, truly.

So while my walk was cumbersome, I managed.

And I am not writing this to brag, but instead to

mention the glance I received from an old lady

in her car. I have no idea what she was thinking,

watching me, but I myself was reminded of the

blessing it is to be able-bodied. It's amazing

that I can carry such heavy bags, that I am agile,

fit, poised and balanced. I hope to never forget

what a blessing it is to be able to move like this,

because someday I may need other people to

help me. For now I'm amazed at vital bodies!