The Impossible

Merry Christmas! Jesus was born, I am so thankful!
I've been going to an Episcopal church for over a year now
and really celebrating Advent makes Christmas truly
special, in a whole new way, this year.
I am so thankful, maybe more thankful than on Thanksgiving.



I read an interesting Bible passage this morning,
it's about both Jesus coming to our world
and our due response,
very post-Christmas appropriate I think.

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

human likeness."

Phillipians 2:5-7

You see, I have very big faith.

I believe God still works miracles in our world,

I believe He has a great plan that somehow

allows us to live free but also in His great care.

I see Him all over my broken, dirty city,

I feel His deep love among my friends.

The problem is that all of my faith

comes to an abrupt stop at me and my life.

As I fervently pray that God will use me,

-use me please!-

I never believe He actually will.

I never expect God to really take over or

make things happen for me.

What? Why?

I'm like the disciples, praying that

one of them would be spared from death,

and when he comes knocking on their door,

as they pray, they still assume he must be a ghost.

What I need to be like is Mary.

Mary had to believe the utterly impossible,

that she would bear a child.

As I sit here,

in the pit of disbelief,

I am reminded of a quote that says, roughly:

"to have confidence in yourself is to have

confidence in the God in you."

I am telling myself that over and over.

Because all I see are my broken parts,

the areas where I lack or "need to grow,"

I don't see anything strong enough for God to use.

That's the key, I suppose. The more broken I am,

the more she shines through, because if He uses me

it will most definitely not look like anything I can do alone.

I want as big of faith as I have for everyone else

to come into my faith for my own life.

Who I Am

Tonight, at this moment, I am convinced

that the question "who am I?" is answered

by the greater answer of what I am.

I am a child, a beloved daughter of God.

That shocks me, body and soul.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah40:28

I am guilty- very guilty- 

of taking things into my own hands.

I have not trusted God.

I am not concerned for

the things that concern Him.

This world has tainted me,

and I am at fault with it.

I am trying so hard to survive,

but only look to my own

strength and resources.

I try not to... sometimes.

But deep down, that's all I do.

I look to myself,

and not to my Father,

the Creator,

the Almighty,

who made our tides and space

but knows the needs of my heart.

I've abandoned everything

He offers, to try and make it

on my own.

I am trying to navigate alone

this world and my soul,

both of which He crafted,

owns and holds the key to.

I have made His journey

my heartache. 

"They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator - who is forever praised. Amen." Romans1:25

It's going to take a long time,

and it's going to be only me and God.

My Paganism

"Who of you can by worrying add a single hour to his life?"

Jesus asks this in Matthew. I love it, it's like a rhetorical challenge that no one can beat.

Él habla mi lingua.

This passage overarches everything, but in its transcendental Biblical way, the details cover things that people today (me) are especially concerned with:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear."

Who knew Biblical characters were so hip and bothered by the very same things our enemy distracts us with?

Seriously though, if I have learned anything over the last year now, it's to trust God.

I am not done learning, not even close, but I've obtained a somewhat whimsical manner of things that would have looked like a tie on a penguin, on me last year.

A friend of mine came over last night and somehow we ended up talking about this Matthew passage that shook her. 

I kept reading it last night to drill it in. 

However I found it so amazing from the start that repetition couldn't have added much more power, only memory.

Jesus says worry is a pagan behavior.

I read an Anne Lamott book where she said courage is fear that has said its prayers.

Both of these convict me at my core, my controlling, compulsive core.

The thing is, I don't actually worry about clothes or my body.

I worry about "real problems" of course; the future, finances, tying-up loose ends, my life's purpose.

And what I'm not worried about, I take for granted because they have already been provided for me; food, a home.      ... And all of the above are on our list. Shoot!

This is definitely one of those times in the Bible where our lesson isn't easy, but it's incredibly simple.

Don't worry.

"For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all of these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:32

Okay Jesus, I'm listening.

In Waiting

I love Advent.

Thankfully, I usually feel very close to God, 

as if He is walking the streets with us.

But it's so good to be reminded of how to seek-

how to continually wait for our Savior.

I want to be ready for it, O Come Emmanuel.

"Enlarge the place of your tent,

And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings;

DO NOT SPARE; 

Lengthen your cords,

And strengthen your stakes."

-Isaiah 54:2

So even though I know God is here,

I feel the humility of waiting.

It forces us to recognize we need a Saviour. 

I want to prepare for Him, make room in my life, 

radically shift all aspects to accommodate.

I will heed Isaiah's message and not spare anything,

I will let God work in every part of me.

I see the glory in our world, His fingerprints all over it,

but I see the distance we have to go,

before all is as it should be.

An exiled people, wandering and lonely, 

we are ransomed by our Lord.

I love Advent.

"Rejoice Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to you,

O Israel."

Nearsighted

In many, many ways, I am nearsighted.

I have 20-20 in my eyes but sometimes I think my heart is blind.

The situation: 

"For a wide door for effective service has opened to me, and there are many adversaries." 1Cor.16:9

Paul was able to look past human activity on the surface level, and see God's activity among it all.

I wish I could do that.

Paul saw where he was needed and stayed, knowing his good work would face opposition.

The answer:

"Entonces respondió y me habló diciendo: Esta es palabra de Jehová a Zorobel, que dice: No con ejército, ni con fuerza, sino con mi Espíritu, ha dicho Jehová de los ejércitos." Zechariah4:6

God gave His word and reminded Zechariah that human resources run out, no power or might will do His will, only His spirit.

Only His spirit. 

Sometimes I feel like a decoy, the flawed middle-man, the expensive but lazy employee.

But when I was meditating on these two verses, I found the answer in my body posture.

I immediately closed my eyes and pressed my face onto my bed. I innately began to breath deep, because that's where I think God lives, in breath.

I realized that I am this weary vessel, searching for vast peace and no stimulation. I am so easily distracted by noises and things in the city that fly by, no wonder I can't look beyond it to see God working.

This realization was God's grace and mercy that He teaches us to have on ourselves, because He does.

I am definitely the flawed middle-man, but as I always encourage others, God uses us in our weakness. 

He shines brighter when we are dulled. 

I'm going to start listening to my own advice on this one.

Love Note

1. You have been gracious to your land, O Lord

you have restored the good fortune of Jacob.

2. You have forgiven the iniquity of our people

and blotted out all their sins.

8. I will listen to what the Lord God is saying,

for He is speaking peace to His faithful people

and to those who turn their hearts to Him.

9. Truly, His salvation is very near to those who fear Him,

that His glory may dwell in our land.

10. Mercy and truth have met together,

righteousness and peace have kissed each other.

11. Truth shall spring up from the earth,

and righteousness shall look down from heaven.

12. The Lord will indeed grant prosperity,

and our land will yield its increase.

13. Righteousness shall go before Him,

and peace shall be a pathway for His feet.

-Psalm 85:1-2,8-13

This is the love note God sent me in church today.

I always want to remember this.

We read this Psalm as a congregation and it is a direct response to my prayers throughout the month, week and even day.

Vs.1. Restored- restoration is a theme for my life right now. I continue to come to the passage in Jeremiah, to devote myself to thanks and openness for God's restoration that I need.

Vs.2. Forgiven- this morning before church I was praying very hard for forgiveness because I've let worldly obligations come between me and God.

Vs.8. Listen- for so long I've been trying to listen, to follow.

          Peace- also on the top of my prayer list in the last month, for me and those around me.

          Turn- a devotional of mine this week reminded me to turn and want Jesus' healing.

Vs.9. Very Near- "soon and very soon we are goin to see the King" we sing before communion these days, and the song was in my head this morning before church.

          Glory- longing for God's glory to somehow show among all my imperfections has been a focus in my prayers for over a month now.

Vs.10. Mercy- again, with forgiveness, this morning I was asking for mercy.

Vs. 11. Spring up from the earth - earlier this week I read a verse that said Jesus would be the tender plant springing up in hard ground, a picture of the dessert where the Israelites were, which plays on the condition of our hearts, hard against God.

Vs.12. Prosperity- another Jeremiah verse has been popping up in my head recently, about God's plans for us to prosper.

           Increase- the parable of the mustard seed has been my encouragement in the last few days, that even such small faith will increase greatly.

Vs.13. Pathway - for unity between the pathway of God and my life, I've been praying a long time now. The part about peace is a big bonus!

It's always so special when you feel God speaking right to you.

I feel loved, pursued and not forgotten.

I would be happy to worship without a reward, but this is a great prize; the love we get back when God knows our hearts and we know Him!