Walking in Mexico

Increasingly hotter as my days went on,

I leaped under shadows

shadow to shadow to escape.

Usually heavy on my heels were the hills

as I walked all day, up and down.

Out of school at 2 pm, midday sun, my

favorite shade of gold.

Usually sorry if I had brought my computer,

usually out of breath by the time I got on the bus.

5 pesos, a half peso for change,

stand where there's room, sit if I could.

Talk quietly because I talk english,

sit next to Kate

as our legs bake in the sun,

burn onto the plastic seat.

I never want to forget

walking in Mexico.

The sun a bit lower,

heading out with a fully belly.

Usually singing,

usually obsessing over how many

steps it will be until that next

flowered bush; counting the cement

walls; smiling at the neighbors;

smiling in a way that might tell them

I can speak their language.

Smiling a little differently at the other

foreigners.

Pass the schools, the corner stores,

the woman with her daily garage & meal sale,

pass the shelf of natural herbs, the rotisseria,

the comida corrido.

Usually only a little out of breath on the bus.

The sun gone now,

my feet are filthy,

I've washed them twice in the sink.

My soles are worn,

I'm sticky but the breeze is chill.

Everything is so much darker.

Light from street posts don't seem to

pool very far around their selves.

I've seen so many things, I'm so worn out,

I have to wake up in a few hours,

is it still safe to walk home?

Then that one time we got lost.

In my own neighborhood.

And ended up outside our world,

another planet you admitted.

But I remembered the tracks,

followed the crumbs in my brain.

I got us home.

I never want to forget walking in Mexico.

Praying For Friends

I've returned refreshed, renewed, ready.

I was so energized and lifted by the bright

spirits and missional vitality of my friends.

There were seven of us from my school,

and three people from two other surrounding

schools. Together, a band of artists in Chicago's

loop, we shared and prayed for the vision.

It's empowering and contagious, the love these

people have for our (three) campuses.

It was a week of training. Most of us learned

how to lead a small group -more than a Bible study.

We all planned and prayed about the summer and

year to come. We shared how God was working in

us individually.

The level of God's multitasking always amazes me.

And I know it's healing to be around others who hold

up a flag-post in their lives that say 

"Here God is! He is working here in me!"

I like to see that. I need to see that.

Campfires. Singing. Praying. Sharing. Group games.

However I think one of the most powerful

things I did all week was pray specifically 

for my friends.

Praying for friends, a list of things on their

heart, is an honor and a joy. It's a responsibility

I did not take lightly.

Since reading Manning's book I've tried to

figure out how I can keep from becoming

apathetic, without having those "feelings"

of divine inspiration.

All I know is that giving up on praying or

worshiping or reading the Bible is exactly

what our enemy would want.

So to get myself up out of bed in the morning,

to bring myself to my knees in the afternoon

and evenings, I used a list of prayer requests

as my weapon.

I care so much about my friends, and I pray

to care even more. I want to intercede for

their concerns to God.

So praying for my friends was what most

kept me accountable and on track and in

communication with God last week.

...

Last night two friends from camp came over

and we were talking about just this with Jake an I. 

An image came to the mind of my friend Michael.

He said it's like when you're trying to get someone

out of a hole and you tie a rope around your waist

to climb on down and bring you both up.

I responded quickly with the obvious analogy

that God is like that rope, and if we go after our

friend's causes, we rely more on Him.

Jesus said He will proceed us and always go with us.

But then later Michael was holding the Bible

and then flipped and landed on this passage;

"Then the king commanded Ebed-Melech the Cushite, '

Take thirty men from here with you and lift Jeremiah the prophet out of the cistern before he dies.'

So Ebed-Melech took the men with him and went to a room under the treasury in the palace. 

He took some old rags and worn-out clothes from there 

and let them down with ropes to Jeremiah in the cistern.

Ebed-Melech the Cushite said to Jeremiah, 

'Put these old rags and worn-out clothes under your arms to pad the ropes.'

Jeremiah did so, and they pulled him up with the ropes and lifted him out of the cistern. 

And Jeremiah remained in the courtyard of the guard."

Jeremiah 38:10-13

How is that for encouraging!?

Here Goes

I haven't written in a while.

Not here, not in my journal, not on any napkins.

Because I don't know what to say.

I've had plenty on my mind, but a lot less time

and I don't know what to say.

But today I did write, it was a list.

A packing list for camp.

I'm really ready to start making some changes.

Changes in me that God can be proud of.

My only hope for camp is that those changes happen.

I don't recognize myself these days

and it's the scariest place to be.

So while I don't know what to expect from camp,

I'm taking my first piece of writing, my bags, and an open heart.

God's Silence 2.0 (I'm Engaged!)

It's true, I'm getting married this November!

And while this is a little bit of old news, since

Jacob proposed to me on my birthday Jan. 18,

this morning I had an awesome revelation of

how this is incorporated with my discovery

of God's silence.

One of the reasons why Jake and I were so

enchanted with each other is because when we

started to move from being friends to more,

both of us grew immensely in our faith.

It seemed like God was throwing Himself at us.

I've said many times before how Jake was my first

Christian boyfriend and it was incredible begin to

discover (1.5 years ago) how God can be so

incorporated with our romance.

I truly believe it all started because we prayed;

every night as friends and more, we prayed before parting.

Well as true as we know, a Christian life is hardly

easy or perfect and things would come along that

were dark and ugly and needed dealing with. Which we did.

So our relationship has always been a journey, as I

believe all are. We learned very early how to rely

on God for our fulfillment, follow what God has taught

us as best, and how to fearlessly seek a reform in ourselves.

I can almost track the sudden change when things got

different. God seemed a lot quieter. Although He didn't

cease to be a part of our relationship, it was a lot more

work to follow Him and try to "hear" Him.

I think I felt it first, and continue to, but Jake has his bouts.

The game changed and we had no plan.

(I am a planner.)

"For my thoughts are not

your thoughts,

neither are your ways

my ways,

declared the Lord."

Isaiah 55:8

Why had God lead us so vividly before, and now

seem to be sending us wayward? What went wrong?

We had started to seriously consider marriage last

spring. And we got scared of what God was telling us

and pushed the idea off for a while... enter silence.

We went camping mid-May and I remember the

deep empty feeling of being surrounded by God's

creation, the icy mountains and lush landscape,

and still not "feeling" God. I've since written a lot

of what I've learned about looking for those emotions.

If God hadn't responded to any prayers, hadn't spoken

to me through any strangers or birds or sermons, 

I wouldn't be where I am today, in any manner. 

Looking back, it's weird to see how much I've still

been lead by God, in the duration of this confusion.

But it's still difficult, and sometimes I still feel

forgotten or abandoned by Him.

I am always wondering why, in a time of such change,

God would send me to the deep end and just watch.

I wish Jake and I were growing the same way we did

in the beginning, and he is always wishing the same.

Wouldn't God want to teach us more beautiful things

as we prepared to join our lives?

I think about this all the time, because I don't get it.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts..."

And mid-though this morning, the fruit of this trial

bloomed in my mind. I saw a huge flower grow where

I'd previously thought I was tilling charred ground.

In a time when God could be giving Himself to me,

as much as I beg for everyday, He has let me chase Him.

As I plan to get married it would be really easy to feel

fulfilled with my life on earth, partnership, love...

all of those blessings God infused with marriage. But

the danger would be forgetting God. Often when

we're happy with our lives on earth, we stop seeking the

God who gave us all of these and who can fill us infinitely

more than those blessings alone. God has saved me

from getting comfortable, He's kept me moving.

And for that, I am engaged!

I am engaged with my Heavenly Father,

deeply searching for His message every single day.

You know, God blessed us incredibly when we

first started to date. But looking back, He did

most of the legwork. Yes, we had to be faithful

to Him and respond when He asked us, but this

now, where we are, is so much more work. It

forces me to push disciplines I've never before had.

And while I still don't understand all that this

stage of my life encompasses, my eyes have

been opened to a huge Grace which God has 

bestowed on our lives. He is letting my pain and

confusion drive me closer to Him, and drive me

further away from the scary chance of letting

a marriage or a man replace Him in my life.

Instead of neglect, I now see more love in this

than if our Father had continued to spoon feed us

our faith.

He is teaching us how to truly be engaged.

How infinitely greater is the Lord our God?

I will leave today with this image; a braid.

Three lines that travel so intimately their

beings end up intertwined.