FITB Friday

I am starting to love this tradition Lauren started! And I am happy that this will be my last post for a week. I was offered a certain ministry position and I am going to take a media fast while I discern whether or not to accept the job. Pray for me, if you have it in your hearts. I want to follow God and I can only do so when I hear his voice. Also if you are doing any sort of liturgical observation of the Lenten season, join me in prayer for the prejudices and favoritism in our hearts.

Speak and act as those who are going to be judged
by the law that gives freedom,
because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone
who has not been merciful.
Mercy triumphs over judgment!
James 2:12,13

1. One thing I MUST do before I die is be a mom, like Lauren said. I agree that it's probably the most mysterious, challenging and amazing thing a person can devote their life to .

2. I would rather be outside than inside any day.

3. If I could give my younger self one piece of advice it would be: Be true to who you are, give your emotions the attention they are worth and let the chips fall where they may. Things are wonderful here in the future, you don't want anything to go any differently .

4. If I won the lottery tomorrow I'd pay my student loans and buy a house in the best/our current part of Chicago. (Preferably a crafstman home on the lake) .

5. The best surprise ever was last week when Jake swept the floor for me. I'm not hard to please .

6. My biggest fault is letting anxiety get the best of me .

7. My biggest strength is my ability to "peace out" when I am anxious and stressed. It was important to me that I develop this and though I still fall short very often--as stated in number 6--I have harvested a discipline of peace in my heart so rich that I can switch my mind to this state in the midst of almost any situation. My next goal is to help others find peace, too .

In the grand scheme of things,

being 2 hours behind on the schedule you set for yourself is really not that big of a deal.

and hearing a park full of happy screams from kids' running, playing mouths in the moment your el train car opens its doors to the outer world and under the yellow, wonderful sun is a pretty big deal.

but falling up the escalators and receiving a tiny whole in your shin for it isn't.

and having tea with your new but so dear friend really is.

so is radiohead.

and seeing the woman from a previous altercation at the library again is just plain funny.

Just Visiting

I have always been a child of nostalgia.

I went back to see what I was thinking

about on Xanga this time last year and

I found something else from so long ago

look:

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

"It has become apparent to me that you can chase any road in life that you like, and you'll learn a million things but still not find the answers that you are looking for- just hopefully you'll realize that there is very little you can do to prevent everything from working itself to be the way things are supposed to be." - My Journal- 10.22.05 [When I feel overcome by outside opinions and lost from myself, I turn to the voice that I've known so well in the past. This one helped me a lot today.]

How incredible. I have always valued my own thoughts from the past. And that hasn't changed much. I feel like 17 was last week. It was my favorite age. I met my best friend Brian in a musical. Here's a picture of Edith and me prepping for that show:

That was the second year Dad and I spring breaked in San Francisco, the only year Lauren joined us:

When I wore things like this:

It was also the year that the rain at the art festival ruined my painting and my favorite dress. The year prior, Olivia and I had danced in the rain. But this year we ran for shelter and heavy rain drops bounced off my water color painting and onto my favorite blue dress. Then we saw some friends and, according to my old writing, we moon danced with these fellows. This picture is so sweet, we're standing in "our" parking lot downtown, which is sadly now a salon:

That was the year I saw Sigur Ros! It was a life-changing experience. This is what I wrote the weekend I saw them play: Weekend's Conclusion: I believe the only place perfection exists is between two things. Nothing is perfect in itself, it is perfect for something else.

oh, wait.

I am sorry, did I say groceries were the only thing over which this marriage is troubled?

We also disagree on how to fold socks.

About groceries

I.

Jake and I have quite a few challenges when
it comes to how we grocery shop each week.
Things that pertain to storage space, time to

prepare food, specific nutrition needs and a

couple of years' time each living on our own
that developed deep-rooted preferences.

For instance, I love to bake and I sometimes

like to cook, but when I'm hungry ... I'm hungry.

Unless I cook ahead of time, I eat mostly fruit,

handfuls of nuts, handfuls of cereal and carrots.

(Sometimes a hunk of cheese dipped in honey.)

Jake is much more of a meal person. He'd

rather we eat more cooked food, like omelets,

pasta, soup and spinach salad. And I'd like to

make more meals, I would, it's just a matter

of time ... and being "so hungry that I have

to eat something easy right this instant!"

So when we leave the store, we view our purchases

--our ingredients for the week--

very different from one another.

Bananas for example, I see with peanut butter
as a meal and Jake sees as a snack. I make a
case for tortilla chips ever time we shop together
because I think those are snacks, and Jake thinks
they are simply unnecessary.

Usually it's just me shopping, though. And I've

learned how to take both of our ideas of what

groceries should look like and make a fine list.

Jake always thanks me and comments on my

planning and ingenuity.

But here's another thing, I take it upon myself

to carry the world on my shoulders.

Sometimes I don't buy what Jake would prefer

and sometimes he doesn't buy my argument for

tortilla chips or granola bars.

And then I feel horrible.

Really, rather dramatic for groceries, no?

But I do. I feel horrible.

When I'm afraid I've let Jake down, I also

let myself down and I feel failure.

Groceries are the perfect storm in this

marriage.

But I'm writing about them because it's

true what they say, life's biggest challenges

produce the most rewarding fruit.

The fact that we get a new chance to

try all over again each week is beautiful.

We're nearing 4 months of marriage and

I laugh whenever I realize this truth: buying

groceries has been the biggest the most

communication-inducing element of our

relationship.

I count my blessings that this benign part

of life is our most difficult trial.

I count my blessing when I think of how it's

helped us grow.

I count my blessings in the shape of a warm,

loving husband who works on things with me.

And you know what else they say,

couples who can figure out how to

grocery shop together stay together.

II.

While traveling home from the grocery store

the other day, I pathetically hobbled, weighed

down by my messenger bag of books and my

reusable bag full of groceries. I struggled

immensely to support my grocery bag from

the bottom and balance my messenger bag while

it persistently knocked the back of my knees. I

have done this before so I know a little about

manipulating bag positions ... it's an art, truly.

So while my walk was cumbersome, I managed.

And I am not writing this to brag, but instead to

mention the glance I received from an old lady

in her car. I have no idea what she was thinking,

watching me, but I myself was reminded of the

blessing it is to be able-bodied. It's amazing

that I can carry such heavy bags, that I am agile,

fit, poised and balanced. I hope to never forget

what a blessing it is to be able to move like this,

because someday I may need other people to

help me. For now I'm amazed at vital bodies!