And while this is a little bit of old news, since
Jacob proposed to me on my birthday Jan. 18,
this morning I had an awesome revelation of
how this is incorporated with my discovery
of God's silence.
One of the reasons why Jake and I were so
enchanted with each other is because when we
started to move from being friends to more,
both of us grew immensely in our faith.
It seemed like God was throwing Himself at us.
I've said many times before how Jake was my first
Christian boyfriend and it was incredible begin to
discover (1.5 years ago) how God can be so
incorporated with our romance.
I truly believe it all started because we prayed;
every night as friends and more, we prayed before parting.
Well as true as we know, a Christian life is hardly
easy or perfect and things would come along that
were dark and ugly and needed dealing with. Which we did.
So our relationship has always been a journey, as I
believe all are. We learned very early how to rely
on God for our fulfillment, follow what God has taught
us as best, and how to fearlessly seek a reform in ourselves.
I can almost track the sudden change when things got
different. God seemed a lot quieter. Although He didn't
cease to be a part of our relationship, it was a lot more
work to follow Him and try to "hear" Him.
I think I felt it first, and continue to, but Jake has his bouts.
The game changed and we had no plan.
(I am a planner.)
"For my thoughts are not
your thoughts,
neither are your ways
my ways,
declared the Lord."
Isaiah 55:8
Why had God lead us so vividly before, and now
seem to be sending us wayward? What went wrong?
We had started to seriously consider marriage last
spring. And we got scared of what God was telling us
and pushed the idea off for a while... enter silence.
We went camping mid-May and I remember the
deep empty feeling of being surrounded by God's
creation, the icy mountains and lush landscape,
and still not "feeling" God. I've since written a lot
of what I've learned about looking for those emotions.
If God hadn't responded to any prayers, hadn't spoken
to me through any strangers or birds or sermons,
I wouldn't be where I am today, in any manner.
Looking back, it's weird to see how much I've still
been lead by God, in the duration of this confusion.
But it's still difficult, and sometimes I still feel
forgotten or abandoned by Him.
I am always wondering why, in a time of such change,
God would send me to the deep end and just watch.
I wish Jake and I were growing the same way we did
in the beginning, and he is always wishing the same.
Wouldn't God want to teach us more beautiful things
as we prepared to join our lives?
I think about this all the time, because I don't get it.
"My thoughts are not your thoughts..."
And mid-though this morning, the fruit of this trial
bloomed in my mind. I saw a huge flower grow where
I'd previously thought I was tilling charred ground.
In a time when God could be giving Himself to me,
as much as I beg for everyday, He has let me chase Him.
As I plan to get married it would be really easy to feel
fulfilled with my life on earth, partnership, love...
all of those blessings God infused with marriage. But
the danger would be forgetting God. Often when
we're happy with our lives on earth, we stop seeking the
God who gave us all of these and who can fill us infinitely
more than those blessings alone. God has saved me
from getting comfortable, He's kept me moving.
And for that, I am engaged!
I am engaged with my Heavenly Father,
deeply searching for His message every single day.
You know, God blessed us incredibly when we
first started to date. But looking back, He did
most of the legwork. Yes, we had to be faithful
to Him and respond when He asked us, but this
now, where we are, is so much more work. It
forces me to push disciplines I've never before had.
And while I still don't understand all that this
stage of my life encompasses, my eyes have
been opened to a huge Grace which God has
bestowed on our lives. He is letting my pain and
confusion drive me closer to Him, and drive me
further away from the scary chance of letting
a marriage or a man replace Him in my life.
Instead of neglect, I now see more love in this
than if our Father had continued to spoon feed us
our faith.
He is teaching us how to truly be engaged.
How infinitely greater is the Lord our God?
I will leave today with this image; a braid.
Three lines that travel so intimately their
beings end up intertwined.
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