Truly

Nothing is as inspiring as looking back on who you were. After seriously almost a day of dreaming vicariously through other people's blogs, I remembered my very first online journal. I traversed back to 7 years ago and read the thoughts of my 13-year-old self.

I was blown away

by how much I remember about being 13, 14, 15...

and by how sassy I was.

Sure, there's plenty to blush about. (bad words, weird phrases)

But I love who I was.

Truly.

And I desperately needed to feel that.

Whenever I heard people "admit" that they were having trouble loving their selves, honestly, I rolled my eyes and thought to myself "yeah, who doesn't." I thought it was a selfish and prideful "struggle."

Then, of course, it happened to me.

I don't know when, but I think it snuck in a while ago, and just now it is rearing its ugly head into absolutely everything.

I am horribly compulsive.

I don't focus well when I pray.

I feel guilty relaxing and activity feels empty, too.

I start too many projects at once because I am obsessed with being efficient and not wasting time.

This is ugly, it spreads me too thin and it distracts me from those who deserve my love and attention... like an adorable husband sitting at the breakfast table alone while I cook two meals and clean the windows simultaneously. (Because I was there and I noticed it needed to be done and I am weak against my compulsions.)

I know, for one thing, it's a lack of God.

But it's also a lack of self-love. There I said it.

I struggle with loving myself.

And this makes it really hard to believe that God loves me.

One thing I observed is that my love for Jake, and his for me, forces us to be together whenever possible. It is light and heavy at once. It is finely sweet, deep and tumultuous... it is different.

I still function on the energy of alone time. We've only been married two months but I've noticed that I need to find, no, I need to make alone time if I want to continue to be the woman Jake loves. The woman I recognize.

I do not believe self-sufficiency, or complete independence, is all good. But we'll work on that next. For now, I need to work on making the most use of my alone time.

Today, for example, I sang praise at the top of my lungs, pretended I was Nancy Drew, prayed and even tried to play the guitar.

Today, God excited me!

Like a living creature stuffed into a sack, something in my heart started to kick and stretch. I am digging around me for resources to feed this creature and, more importantly, I am looking for the drawstring to untie the sack and let the creature out!

I'm writing this today, because I want more transparency. I started blogging to remember things. Read this, my hello, to get an idea.

I'm writing this today, because 13-year-old Taylor inspired me--more than anyone else ever has--and maybe someday 20-year-old Taylor will inspire the future me.

If I want it, I have to start it.

Day 4-Last day... last pictures of my white scarf in Mexico

This was New Year's Eve! All of the other gringos (white folk) came out of hiding on Day 4. The streets were buzzing, tents were going up, and we did little but walk around for 10 hours.

Actually, before getting to el centro we made a quick visit to the college where some of our friends studied abroad. (Holler to Dave and Erin!)

Then of course, another church. These aged churches are so fascinating... all of the art and those annexed chapels! This sign says:

"This is a place of prayer, God listens to you, you should listen to Him, too."

This is truly my favorite kind of prayer. The kind where I don't say a thing.

(Side note: I really wonder how these old churches put electricity in their walls!)

The photos above and below are so "Mexico" to me. The banners, the bug and the church.

Our participation in the "Where is Vincent" photo project. St. Vincent DePaul, the namesake for Jake's school and work, was all about social justice and so we thought this was the perfect place to take Vince's portrait.

We stumbled upon a cafe named Toulouse Lautrec. Named after the same artist as Jake's band! Obviously we had to buy something and support the cause.

And we're back to where I started us, the night service for New Year's Eve at church. It was mythical, so many people and so many candles!

Thanks for following the recap of our honeymoon journey. I write this as much for myself as for you. I hope to share some of the magic with you. I want to remember vividly for myself the heat, the light, the colors, the stimulation to my ears and fingertips.

I do believe that too many pictures are a crutch to the memory.

May the words here help to root what we experienced deep into our beings and spur potent memories when they are read again in a few years.

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller -

Day 3

A rather relaxed day.

Photos above are in front of the temple and ex convent of St. Augustine. We are early risers and we got to el centro (downtown) before much was open. We wandered to yet another old church and returned here to see the art museum.

No wonder foreigners think our country is ugly. Seriously, these old streets and buildings and their color enchant me! I don't think anything in Chicago is even half as old as most of these buildings. Okay, maybe this one church I found in the far South Loop... but still.

Above three photos are inside St. Augustine's ex convent. Brothers would walk in those halls and circle the perimeter while praying for hours. How meditative it must have been!

Mexico is full of ex convents that look just like this, they were all built at the time of the conquest and therefor reflect European architecture.

Unfortunately, I'm told most of the convents were built unwillingly by native Mexicans. I'm so glad this ex convent was turned into an art museum to treasure Mexican pieces.

These arches are actually ancient aqueducts... another jewel in Querétaro that we only discovered upon arrival. (Have you seen enough of my favorite white scarf, yet?)

And then we spent the evening at two different restaurants! Food is cheap in Mexico. After dinner at La Querida, we came to this place, Tulip. We had a piece of tres leches cake (Sarai, I actually think ours was better!) and a rompope cappuccino. Please click on the picture to see our delicious desserts in fine detail.

Day 2-Motion-sickness paid off

When Jake and I first arrived in Querétaro, the man who drove us from the airport to our hotel told us that the two most visited sites in the state are the towns Bernal and Tequisquiapan.

That was a great tip because we came with the hopes of discovering (and had such little time to plan anything beforehand.)

Knowing nothing about the towns and only a little about how to get there, Jake and I took a taxi to the bus station and miraculously arrived 4 minutes before the bus left for Bernal. Actually, without any doing on our part, we miraculously made it 5 minutes early to each bus station we needed for the rest of the day!

I get motion-sick. Thirty minutes standing on a hot bus as we traversed the central highlands... and I was starting to get a little queasy. So I squatted in the aisle and immediately a young man offered me his seat. Good thing, too, because we became fast friends and I didn't throw up.

After giving me his seat, Diego and his travel-mate Andrés, explored with Jake and I all day. We ate lunch together as soon as we got off the bus, we climbed La Peña in Bernal and somehow found our way through the rural country to Tequisquiapan.

(Pictured above are the aforementioned sunglasses. I really love this picture, I really love my Jake.)

Here is where I found my favorite Mexican candy! Dried mangoes with chili powder... mmmm.

The kind of place where the sky opens up and you can see how truly round the world is! It is absolutely dumbfounding to think that we can know the God who made the planets. That is a huge inspiration for my new year goal to know God more.

Oh, and I climbed this monolith in my favorite flats. I felt a little bad about the shoe abuse but they were so comfortable, save for a little slippery.

Diego just so happened to have a pair of climbing shoes that I changed into once we were at our peak. (We didn't go all the way for a lack of climbing ropes.) They were awesome and I wore them the rest of the day!

The shoes made a big difference and I wanted to make my sister Morgan proud so I took this picture for her:

The following photos are in Tequisquiapan, aka the belly-button of Mexico.

It was a great town!

Very antiquated and a little artsy, I would have loved to see it in the daylight.

The first thing the four of us happened upon was the town cemetery. It was fascinating to walk around, Mexicans are so spiritual about their dead. Then Andrés pointed out that you never see graves more than 100 years old--where do the old graves go?

One grave, more like a mausoleum, had stained glass windows. The glass made a picture of a painter's pallet and some writing below said "My brushes cry for me."

We found an art gallery and the woman who owned it served us coffee while she painted and talked about moving there from Mexico City.

Our second day in Mexico fulfilled all of my wanderlust and dreams to travel, see new things, meet new people and bring myself close to the earth.

Day 1

We spent our first day wandering around el centro in Querétaro.

This is what my journal says:

Alameda de Hidalgo... walked a lot... el centro... Templo de la Cruz... Christmas is still happening in Mexico... chilaquiles... breaking sunglasses... Gregory Peck... Los Compadres... home for a hot shower... walked to dinner at Bisquete... musica rondalla en el zócalo... Monopoly.

The rondalla music was one of the most special moments in our whole trip. We just happened upon 10 men with their guitars and a full town's square for an audience. It was very romantic and it was maybe the first time I've been able to understand someone speak Spanish through a microphone.

Breaking the sunglasses was a sore moment. The glasses fell off their display and they were so poorly made that a lens popped out. We were forced to buy them and I was mad and told the woman that they were codo, which literally means elbow but is slang for cheap. I hate it when I get defensive. Jake helped me fix the glasses and I wore them the rest of the week because I really did intend to purchase a pair but I refused to buy two.

Playing Monopoly was quite amusing until Jake started to win fiercely. Then I tried to make it more fun by seeing what would happen if I intentionally played awful and Jake wasn't to thrilled--he actually doesn't like to win--but he stuck it out for me.

I had a nightmare that night and, other than one evening, I've had a nightmare each night since. They don't seem to be related to anything but I would so appreciate if you remembered me in your prayers before bed tonight.

Peace and grace to you.