Truly

Nothing is as inspiring as looking back on who you were. After seriously almost a day of dreaming vicariously through other people's blogs, I remembered my very first online journal. I traversed back to 7 years ago and read the thoughts of my 13-year-old self.

I was blown away

by how much I remember about being 13, 14, 15...

and by how sassy I was.

Sure, there's plenty to blush about. (bad words, weird phrases)

But I love who I was.

Truly.

And I desperately needed to feel that.

Whenever I heard people "admit" that they were having trouble loving their selves, honestly, I rolled my eyes and thought to myself "yeah, who doesn't." I thought it was a selfish and prideful "struggle."

Then, of course, it happened to me.

I don't know when, but I think it snuck in a while ago, and just now it is rearing its ugly head into absolutely everything.

I am horribly compulsive.

I don't focus well when I pray.

I feel guilty relaxing and activity feels empty, too.

I start too many projects at once because I am obsessed with being efficient and not wasting time.

This is ugly, it spreads me too thin and it distracts me from those who deserve my love and attention... like an adorable husband sitting at the breakfast table alone while I cook two meals and clean the windows simultaneously. (Because I was there and I noticed it needed to be done and I am weak against my compulsions.)

I know, for one thing, it's a lack of God.

But it's also a lack of self-love. There I said it.

I struggle with loving myself.

And this makes it really hard to believe that God loves me.

One thing I observed is that my love for Jake, and his for me, forces us to be together whenever possible. It is light and heavy at once. It is finely sweet, deep and tumultuous... it is different.

I still function on the energy of alone time. We've only been married two months but I've noticed that I need to find, no, I need to make alone time if I want to continue to be the woman Jake loves. The woman I recognize.

I do not believe self-sufficiency, or complete independence, is all good. But we'll work on that next. For now, I need to work on making the most use of my alone time.

Today, for example, I sang praise at the top of my lungs, pretended I was Nancy Drew, prayed and even tried to play the guitar.

Today, God excited me!

Like a living creature stuffed into a sack, something in my heart started to kick and stretch. I am digging around me for resources to feed this creature and, more importantly, I am looking for the drawstring to untie the sack and let the creature out!

I'm writing this today, because I want more transparency. I started blogging to remember things. Read this, my hello, to get an idea.

I'm writing this today, because 13-year-old Taylor inspired me--more than anyone else ever has--and maybe someday 20-year-old Taylor will inspire the future me.

If I want it, I have to start it.