The Answer

I have come here today to attempt the impossible; to cover a weeks-worth of prayer and inner dialogue.

A friend on Saturday told me what a wise woman once told her: "Your twenties are all about learning how to hear God's voice."

Oh man, how I couldn't agree more.

While I've definitely had moments of connecting to God and seeing the message He was sending across to me, honestly those moments are few. And I can't experience them on demand. (What, you mean God doesn't work on my time? I can't force answers out of him?)

That said, my experience has been varied in the last half-year pursuit of asking God whether or not He wants me to be in ministry--specifically with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.

Jake and I started toying with the idea, praying, thinking and asking questions of the people around us.

With God's assured peace, we took small steps.

One tiny step at a time. We asked more questions, looked at the application (15 pages!) and imagined our life in ministry.

While praying with us, a friend of ours offered an image. He said that he imagined us rebuilding a wall, holding our arms together at the elbow, with arms wrapped in a white band.

I had no idea what that meant.

Fast-forward to a few days later. On my way to a casual coffee meeting with the IV Chicago supervisor, I grabbed the day's RedEye newspaper and ran up the stairs to catch my train.

I tried to meditate and think on God during my train ride to the coffee meeting, so I didn't read the paper.

I left the meeting feeling great about just taking that small step of investigation. Maybe that's all God wanted from me, maybe I wasn't being called to actually apply.

I got on the train and opened to the first page in the RedEye.

I gasped at the picture, maybe you'll know what I mean:

Can you see their arms?

Big signs don't really happen for me.

But how else was I supposed to interpret this? I ripped the picture out, showed it to Jake and we took the next small step. We filled out the application.

Interviews, interviews, waiting, praying, updating people.

The next few weeks were rather mundane.

But they were easy because I was just following God in

tiny steps, everything was up to Him. He was doing all the work.

"I just want to be where YOU want me to be," was my daily cry.

I didn't hear any big, booming voices, but God's Peace was loud to me. I prayed that God stop everything if we weren't supposed to work for IV.

Then I got the job.

!

It was my turn to

accept it, I had to

say yes.

Terrifying.

How can I say yes

or no, when I can't

hear God's word?

Hence the week of

prayer.

Now I'll be the first to admit, the biggest (if only) reason I was afraid to accept the job is the fundraising aspect. "We don't know any rich people," I kept thinking.

For this reason, I intentionally committed to not thinking about money during my week of discernment.

It went smoothly until Saturday morning when I began reading the Bible verses dedicated to this week of Lent.

The subject was "Possessed by Posessions."

It shared awesome stories of how God challenged His people to trust his provision and to live humbly, free of material desire. In turn, God provided immensely for them.

Big signs don't really happen for me ... but I do of course believe God is capable of them, and they happen for plenty of other people.

Oh me of little faith.

Eventually I admitted to myself that I wanted the job.

Sometimes I am tricked into thinking that if I like something, it must obviously not be God's will.

Sometimes I assume--because God calls us to a challenging life--that He only wants difficult things for us.

That is a perverse way to think ... our God is a good and awesome parent.

Eventually I realized that things could still stop at any point. All of our lives are at the mercy of His will. If I say yes to this job I will not be forcing my own ways. If I say yes to this job, it's only a one year commitment to further explore. To me, saying yes is stepping it up and showing God that I am willing to try.

"Here am I, Lord. Send me," Isaiah said.

This Tuesday, one week after I was offered the job, an old favorite song came on Pandora.

"And I have found the answer is to love you and be loved by you, YOU ARE."

Maybe there is no clear-cut answer to God's opportunities. Maybe we are simply called to love and be loved. If so, then let the love fall where it may.