Marriage is like this.
It's ecstasy and madness and everything in between.
Laughs and tears and sweat, perfume and food in your teeth. It's not the lack of money or the excess of money, but how you spend your money. That is the devilish question. Because it piques all the different ways the two of you take in the world, organize your thoughts, and plan your reaction.

I'm not the kind of person who feels okay spewing my truest thoughts at the expense of someone's feelings. I think it's completely worth it to think thoroughly about what you're trying to get across. Words have weight, and I don't think you can take them back. It's worth it, necessary even, to be one hundred percent honest while also respecting and cherishing the heart of your soulmate.

So you have these heated conversations which cause tunnel vision. But in a while, the heaviness is lifted. You take a walk. You kiss a whole lot. You eat fruit in the park. And you end up cooking chickpea burgers together, with the window open to dusk, while boogying to Fleetwood Mac. How in the world am I blessed enough to go to bed every night feeling profoundly grateful?

Some days feel like a million all in one.
It is such dizzying goodness.

Happy Monday, amigos!

I don't have another edition of "Where I've Been" for you because this past weekend both Jake and I were home! Nuts, I know. It was a busy weekend ... Jake had a show, we went to a first birthday pool party, and we spent a great day with our friend's parents in the suburbs! But it was so grounding to be at home. I'm especially thankful for the time Jake and I had together because I think all of our evenings are booked (without each other) this week, and after a camping trip this weekend we'll both be separate ways for two weeks. He'll be in Mississippi and I'll be in Madison, and when we get back there might be some exciting news to report. But that's not until the end of the month.

Well I don't know if you've ever noticed, but I have a whole category for posts about the sun. I love the sun, it totally affects my mood. I notice more of the world when it's sunny outside. We had those awfully hot days here in Chicago and now we're into some brisk, sunny days. And this is my favorite kind of weather. Brisk and sunny.

So I thought I'd share my little summer time driving playlist for you, in honor of the sun.

Hear me now, I would never suggest you have a car in Chicago. I know some people love it, but it's far too expensive and needy if you ask me, and I love reading on the train. But Jake's job more or less requires he have a car (isn't that illegal?) and we're SO thankful for his job. So, here I am, a car owner in the city. The best things about having a car are in the winter time when Jake drops me off at the house and I don't have to find a parking spot with him ... and driving with the windows down on Lake Shore Drive! Oh, beauty. So here you go, this is what I've been bopping to:

 

Where I've Been | Head & Heart & Iron & Wine Edition










The Head & The Heart opened for Iron and Wine, who I've seen once before. It was tons of fun to look across the sea of millions of people and find a familiar face, I ran into old roommates, coworkers, friends, everyone!

It was strikingly clear who was there for the music, and who was there to tease their hair between iPhone photo shoots. And while I can quickly become cynical, I had to stop myself. There we were, just a bunch of young people enjoying being young. I'm not above it at all. Besides, I've never turned down good people watching.

PS: It got dark much earlier in the evening at The Books show last year, nearly this same time.

Who is my real God?
I find myself asking this nearly every day. Not usually by choice, but because it becomes the obvious question when I'm stressed or anxious.

There's always this little reel playing in the back of my mind. It says, "You can say one thing, Taylor, but the truth will come out in the ways you live." And most days, I'm embarrassed to say, the breakdown becomes obvious.

It's my job to teach the Gospel. It's my job to encourage people that Jesus, our good King, holds the future. I love my job. And I do believe that Jesus holds us all. But sometimes I have to look at my life and realize the ugly truth; that I don't actually live in light of my beliefs.

Too often, in the middle of my discomfort, the first thing I run to is my Logic. Logic, strategy, philosophy, optimism, my go-getter-figure-it-out bones. I don't know why I do this, but I do. I run to Logic, wrap her in my loving embrace, and then quickly realize how very wrong I am. I fumble to let go and look up at Logic and say, "You are not Jesus. How did I get here?"

I think it's desperately easy to seek Logic because she's in my nature. I am probably the most calculated person I know. My closest friends tell me they admire that I seem to be myself freely, without concern for others' judgements. And that's true. But I only arrived at such a carefree state after calculating the loss/gain ratio, and deciding it's way more worth it to be myself and have fun.

So when it comes to challenging matters of life I believe in God's sovereign order, before His Godly love and care. It's my own brand of religious syncretism. I can easily say I am pursuing God's will, but underneath I am truly seeking my dear Logic.

I've known this subconsciously for a while. But I haven't done anything. Because the way I would normally go about changing something--mustering up all my strength and logic into an eager cannon--is literally the thing I'm trying to change.

I can't do this. I literally can't do it.
And I believe that is precisely the point.

So I'll open my palms and say a prayer of release.

Where I've Been | Camping Edition









Wisconsin dairy country.

PS: North Avenue beach on Memorial Day: