Who is my real God?
I find myself asking this nearly every day. Not usually by choice, but because it becomes the obvious question when I'm stressed or anxious.

There's always this little reel playing in the back of my mind. It says, "You can say one thing, Taylor, but the truth will come out in the ways you live." And most days, I'm embarrassed to say, the breakdown becomes obvious.

It's my job to teach the Gospel. It's my job to encourage people that Jesus, our good King, holds the future. I love my job. And I do believe that Jesus holds us all. But sometimes I have to look at my life and realize the ugly truth; that I don't actually live in light of my beliefs.

Too often, in the middle of my discomfort, the first thing I run to is my Logic. Logic, strategy, philosophy, optimism, my go-getter-figure-it-out bones. I don't know why I do this, but I do. I run to Logic, wrap her in my loving embrace, and then quickly realize how very wrong I am. I fumble to let go and look up at Logic and say, "You are not Jesus. How did I get here?"

I think it's desperately easy to seek Logic because she's in my nature. I am probably the most calculated person I know. My closest friends tell me they admire that I seem to be myself freely, without concern for others' judgements. And that's true. But I only arrived at such a carefree state after calculating the loss/gain ratio, and deciding it's way more worth it to be myself and have fun.

So when it comes to challenging matters of life I believe in God's sovereign order, before His Godly love and care. It's my own brand of religious syncretism. I can easily say I am pursuing God's will, but underneath I am truly seeking my dear Logic.

I've known this subconsciously for a while. But I haven't done anything. Because the way I would normally go about changing something--mustering up all my strength and logic into an eager cannon--is literally the thing I'm trying to change.

I can't do this. I literally can't do it.
And I believe that is precisely the point.

So I'll open my palms and say a prayer of release.